Five Commandments, Stephen Harper style

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“Go-for-it” Prime Minister Stephen Harper told Commonwealth leaders on the weekend that Canada won’t bind itself to climate regulation until the poorest and most destitute countries on the planet sign up first.

Imagining how liberating it might be to apply this policy position to traditional areas of government, here are five updated commandments that we might expect soon from Canada’s me-last Prime Minister, Stephen Harper.

1. Steal in good conscience until the last, most-wretched and disenfranchised street person agrees to stop stealing first.

2. Kill at will until you get a sworn statement from Osama bin Laden, Moqtada as-Sadr and the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff saying that they have switched, irrevocably and for all time, to the path of peace.

3. Lie outrageously until Bill Clinton tells the whole story about the dress, Senator Larry Craig comes clean on what really happens in airport men’s rooms and former Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney fesses up about the cash payments from international influence peddler Karl-Heinz Schreiber.

4. Covet they neighbor’s house until the global real estate industry stops advertising.

5. Fornicate frequently, and with whomever you choose, until the global dictates of love, lust and human nature are repealed.

But why stop there? Take off that helmet. Unstrap that seatbelt. Drive when you’re drunk. In short, from now on, the mission statement of all Harper-led Canadians can be:

“Hey, everybody else is doin’ it.”

If only adolescence had been this much fun …

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